Dress for Success/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Is that one of those little electric cars? Brent Leroy: Yeah. The guy stopped for free air for his tires. Real nice. Oscar Leroy: Tiny little thing. Brent: I got cousins bigger than that thing. That car could wear my cousin's pants. Hank: Electric cars, wave of the future. Brent: Yeah? Well, if nobody buys gas in the future, then I won't have any cash. Then who you gonna borrow money from, huh? George Jetson? Oscar: Electric cars are a fad. I've seen them all come and go, cars that float, cars that run on manure, heli-cars. Brent: Heli-cars? What are you, a Bond villain? Hank: The wave of the future. You can bank on it. Oscar: That's why you're always broke. You make stupid decisions. Hank: Stupid as a fox. Brent: Approximately. Hank: All right, here. Let's look up the stock for EAN. Oscar: Who's Ian? Hank: Electric Auto National. They make the best electric motors on the market. Brent: You read a two-year-old Business Week at the dentist and now you're a market expert. Hank: It was Modern Hotrod and it was very informative. Oscar: I'm tellin' ya, it's a fad. Hank: Here, EAN. The stock's at 7 bucks, right? Well, we'll just watch and see if it goes up or down. Oscar: It doesn't go up and down in front of ya in the paper, ya moron. Hank: I'm gonna go track this on the Internet. Brent: Internet. There's another fad that'll be over in a week. Lacey Burrows: Hey, guys. Have everything you need? Karen Pelly: Yeah. And more. Lacey: More? What do you mean? Davis Quinton: There's dried ketchup on the edge of my plate. Lacey: Oh. And, and it's not your ketchup? Davis: I rarely put ketchup on salmon. Lacey: Davis, I don't know how that happened. Davis: It's kinda put me off my lunch. Karen: Ah, don't be such a baby. Besides, it's not as gross as this dried egg yolk on my knife. Lacey: And I'm guessing that you didn't have eggs with your lasagna? Karen: No. Lacey: Oh, gosh. Sorry. Lunch is on me. Davis: I gotta get some air. Karen: I'll be right out, Queasy-modo. Brent: Why you wearin' a dress? Did somebody die? Oh, no. Did somebody die? Wanda Dollard: Do you remember my Grandma Lanigan? Brent: Oh, no. Did she pass away? Wanda: No. But she bought this for me. And it's not a dress, Mr. Gucci. It's a skirt. Brent: Ah, well. Don't you think a skirt is a little la-de-da for a gas station? Wanda: I'm not the one in the powder-blue blouse. Brent: It's not a blouse. And it's not powder-blue, it's sky-blue, like the sky, where there's jet fighters and lightening. And it's not a blouse. Wanda: You're the boss, blousy. Brent: That's right I'm the boss. And don't you forget it. Emma Leroy: Oh, did you bring back the milk? Oscar: No. I forgot to buy milk. Emma: Are you being sarcastic or did you really forget? Oscar: I forgot. Milk wasn't on the list. Emma: There was no list. I sent you out to buy milk. One item is not a list. Oscar: I ran into Hank. He got me all wound up. Emma: Oh, Hank just called. He told me to tell you 8.50. That was it. He said, "Tell Oscar 8.50" and then he giggled like a ninny and hung up. Oscar: 8.50? It's gone up a buck and a half already? That's a crock a bull, and I'm not buyin' it. Emma: Apparently you're not buying milk either. Wanda: At first he's bugging me about wearing a skirt to work. But then I go to sit down and he holds his hand out like this and escorts me onto the stool. Karen: That does sound strange. And Brent doesn't strike me as the gentlemanly escort type. Wanda: That's it. It was like he was some kinda weird gentleman or something. Karen: Creepy. Lacey: It's probably 'cause of the skirt. Wanda: Explain. Lacey: It's instinct. Males evolved protecting and caring for females. So, the more feminine you look, the more protective and gentlemanly they're prone to be. Wanda: So you're suggesting a primordial genetic predisposition towards chivalry? Lacey: I believe I am. Karen: She might have a point. I wear this masculine uniform every day and Davis treats me like one of the guys. Karen: No. Davis: Come on. Karen: Davis, I am not pulling your finger. Davis: Fine. I'll pull it myself. Wanda: Brrrrph! I don't buy it. I mean I understand genetics. But Brent? I'm not even sure what substance he's made out of. Lacey: Oh well, it's just a theory. Wanda: What's with the rubber gloves? Lacey: Dishwasher's broke. Oh, well. A little hard work never killed anybody. Karen: Hard work kills people all the time. Wanda: You never heard of a heart attack? Karen: Aneurysm, hernia? Wanda: Burst blood vessel behind the eye? Lacey: Well, it's nice chatting with you. Emma (phone): Hello? Oh, hi, Hank. Oh, well, I'd love to, because I have nothing better to do. Emma: Hank wants me to tell you 9.20. Are you guys playing telephone bingo or something? Oscar: Nine-twenty my hat! Emma: I'm gonna get some milk. Oscar: I'm gonna give that little jackass a piece of my mind. Hank (phone): Hank talkin'. Brent (phone): Hey, my Dad wants you to call him. He doesn't know your number. Hank (phone): Okey-doke. Oscar (phone): Listen up, jackass. I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about investing. Mertyl Runciman (phone): Hello? Hank (phone): Hmm, busy. Lacey: Coming, coming. Sorry. Just doin' dishes the old-fashioned way with elbow grease. Male Customer: You're washing dishes with grease? Lacey: It's a figure of speech. Wanda: I need to borrow this for an experiment. I'll have it back in a second. Male Customer: How will she get it back in one second? Lacey: That might be a figure of speech too. Karen: You still feeling queasy? Davis: I'm not queasy. I'm fine. Karen: Really? You look like you found a gob of raw pork in your pudding. Davis: I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work. Solid as a rock here. Is it hot in here? Karen: Whoo, I could go for a cigar right now. You? Davis: Why are you doing this? Karen: I've never seen this side of you before. Davis: I've never seen this side of you before either. Karen: We're getting to know each other. Let's celebrate with a glass of room-temperature cream. Jane: There's some dirt at the top of my glass. Lacey: That's why I didn't fill it up all the way. Can I get you anything else? Jane: Maybe a piece of rhubarb pie. Lacey: Sure. You might want to hang onto that then. Jane: You want me to use the same fork for my dessert? Lacey: Can't catch your own germs. Hank: I just saw on the Internet that some people think birds evolved from dinosaurs. Brent: Huh? Hank: Feathered dinosaurs, do you believe that? Brent: I've based everything I know on it. Hank: Hah. Oh, man. Brent (phone): Corner Gas. Yeah? Hang on. It's for you. Hank (phone): Hank talkin'. Hey, cool, thanks. Brent: Are you gettin' calls here now? Should I just hang a hammock for ya? Hank: My cousin's watchin' that EAN stock for me. He's gonna call me whenever it goes up. Brent: So this nothing-better-to-do thing runs in your family? Hank: That EAN stock's up to 10.50, 10.50! If you see Oscar, tell him 10.50. Brent: I don't wanna get in the middle of this. Hank: And don't say anything else. Just say, "Hank says 10.50." Brent: Fine. But if he brings up feathered dinosaurs, I'm all over him. Oscar: Okay, smart guy, pick your stocks. Hank: I don't have any stocks. I don't have any money, remember? Oscar: You and I are each gonna pull $10,000 off the fictional money tree and invest it. Hank: Ah, a challenge, huh? All right, you're on. Brent: You know, this sounds like it would be the perfect game to play somewhere else. Oscar: It's not a game. Hank: Yeah. So how do we play, huh? Do we take turns? Maybe we should get some dice. Brent: Oh, Hank says, "10.50." Oh, well. Wanda: So...did I miss anything? Brent: No, not really. Wanda: Oh. Brent: Oh, you know what? The milk guy came. So could you fill the dairy cooler? Wanda: Oh. Well, I, ah, suppose I could, since I, ah, do work for you at this fine establishment. Brent: Um, you know what? I, ah, have been meanin' to check the thermometer in the cooler anyway. So never mind, I'll do it. Wanda: Thermometer. Check your hormone-ometer. Emma: Hey, Lacey. How's business. Lacey: Our dishwasher's broke and I am sick of doing dishes. My, my hands are sore, my shirt's wet, and I'm not good at it. Emma: Anything else? Lacey: My fingers are wrinkly. And I think I'm allergic to latex. Can that kill you? Emma: Me? No. You, maybe. Need a hand? Davis: Hi, Wanda. Have you got any of that pink stuff that makes you not wanna vomit? Wanda: Ah, feelin' nauseous, huh? Davis: Yeah. Wanda: That's the worst feelin', like a cold slimy worm crawlin' up the back of your throat. Davis: Oh, what is wrong with you people? Karen: We're just expressive. Hey, how's the skirt experiment going? Wanda: It's like Brent's hypnotized by this or something. He's a slave to the skirt. Brent: Wanda's losin' her marbles. She's wearin' a dress to a gas station, she's got some kinda flowered jewellery in her hair. Emma: Well, maybe she's just feeling summery. Brent: Then where's the tube top? No, I'm, I'm startin' to worry about her. I'll ease up on her until she gets her ducks on the same page. Emma: Well, if you're gonna stand there, you could help me with these dishes. Brent: Oh, geez, I'd better not stand here tn. Wanda: Brent's a sucker for the skirt. Maybe I should ask for a week off or something. Davis: You two amaze me. Do you really think men are that easy to manipulate? Karen: Blue cheese. Davis: Buy me the pink stuff on your way out. Karen: This is gonna come back and bite me, isn't it? Wanda: I would imagine. Hank: Okay, I'll take 1,000 shares of that TRG and 500 shares of that GMS, and 2,000 shares of that MLD. Oscar: You just bought $10,000 worth of stocks in 20 seconds. Congratulations. You're the stupidest man in the world. Hank: Oh, yeah? Let's see you do it faster. Oscar: Fast is not the point. You have to know what you're investing in. Study the numbers. Lacey: Hank, your cousin just called. He said "11 bucks." Oscar: Give me a 1,000 of this one, a 1,000 of this one, and 2,000 of these. Brent: Well, I don't know. You want to take a whole week off? That's a lot of time for me to work by myself. Wanda: Well, it's just one week. You can handle it, a big, strong, and instinctual male like yourself. Brent: Um, yeah, yeah, you know what? You've, you've been workin' too hard lately. Maybe, ah, you should take a little rest. Wanda: Thank you, Mother Nature. Emma: Okay. All done. Lacey: Thanks so much. Here. Emma: I didn't help you for money. I helped you because we're friends. Lacey: Oh. Emma: At least I thought we were. Lacey: Oh, no, Emma, wait. Emma...oh, great. I just shot myself in the foot again. Male Customer: You shot your own foot? Lacey: Figure of speech. Karen: Okay, where's my hat? Davis: I have no idea where your hat is. Maybe you should check the cabinet, or someplace else. Karen: Ah, here it is, behind this rubber spider. Eeek. Pat Bolland: Now to today's big movers, ELO... Oscar: I got it. Bolland: BGC... Oscar: Uh-huh. Bolland: AWP... Oscar: Uh-huh. Bolland: ...have all bottomed out. Oscar: Ah! Bolland: Up next, a close look at possible insider trading at Arc Research. Oscar: Inside, huh? I've got him on the ropes now. Emma: Can you believe it? Lacey tried to give me 20 bucks. Oscar: It's nothin', it's not real, it's all fake. So relax. It's pretend money from the tree. Now I'm on the inside and I'm gonna take Hank to the cleaners. Emma: Did you take a blow to the head or something? Oscar: Oh, never mind. What's your thing? Emma: I helped Lacey wash her dishes and she tried to pay me. Can you believe it? Oscar: What people do with their own money is their own business. Shish, I gotta go. Emma: I try to understand. Brent: I don't understand. Oscar: You don't wanna help you own father. Brent: No, I'm just not sure how to go about it, like what's the process? How do I go about lending you fake money? Oscar: Just pretend to give it to me. Reach up and take $10,000 off the fictional money tree and hand it to me. Brent: But why can't you do that yourself? Did some fictional hooligan steal your make-believe ladder? Oscar: It's against the rules. We can each take 10 grand, that's it, that's the rules. Without rules, nothin' makes sense. Brent: With rules this makes no sense. What are you gonna do with this money? Oscar: I got a hot stock tip. I'm sinkin' the whole ten grand into it. Brent: Yeah, I bet sinkin' is the right word. Fine, I'll get you your invisible cash. Hold my monkey. Okay, I got a big mitt full of cash. It feels like about 10 G's. Large bills okay? Oscar: Thank you. Was that so hard? Brent: Aren't you gonna count it? Oscar: Smart guy. Brent: Where's my receipt? Karen: Aaah! Davis: Hah-hah, yes. The snake in the drawer's never let me down. My revenge is complete. Karen: What? No, it's not that. I forgot to mail my credit card payment. Oh, this is gonna cost me. You're gonna have to do a lot better than a fake snake if you wanna even the score. Davis: Fake snake? Lacey: Hi, Emma. I just came by to say sorry for before. And to make it up to you, I brought you a peace pie. Emma: A piece of pie? Lacey: No, a peace pie. A, a pie to make peace. Emma: Oh. Well, thank you. I, I guess I did overreact a bit. Mmm, it sure looks good. Lacey: Uh-huh. Emma: What? Lacey: Oh, it's nothing. Well, it, it's just kind of interesting that you'll accept this pie from me, which is $1.50 a piece or $12 for the whole pie, but you wouldn't accept $20 for helping me with the dishes. Emma: Oh, I see. You're trying to make a point. Lacey: No. Emma: This isn't a peace pie, it's a point pie, a patronizing point pie. Lacey: Please. Emma: Pathetic. I don't need this. I'll take it because I'm hungry and I love pie, but that's the only reason. Now, if you'll excuse me. Lacey: Enjoy. Hank: Ho-ho. If it ain't Oscar No-Dough-Leroy, huh? Oscar: Oh, yeah, Smart Guy? I borrowed 10,000 more. Hank: What? That's cheating. Oscar: That's legal loop-holing. Yeah, I put the whole ten thousand into Arc Research. Pretty soon I'll be on the corner of Easy Street and Something-Good Avenue. Hank: Cheater Street and Something-Bad Avenue. Oscar: It's called capitalism, Jackass. You don't like it? Go back to Cuba, Comrade. Emma: Come in. Wanda: Hey, Emma. I was wondering if I could borrow your Weed Weasel? Emma: My what? Wanda: Weed Witch? Weed Wizard? Mulch Monkey? Emma: Garden Gremlin? Wanda: Yeah. Sure. Emma: Oh, that's a pretty skirt. Is that the one Brent was talking about? Wanda: Geesh, he's got it bad. Yes, this is the skirt. Emma: Yeah, Brent thought you were crazy wearing a skirt at a gas station. And then with that flower in your hair, he thought you'd gone off the deep end. But I think it's cute. Wanda: He thought I looked crazy? Emma: No, no. He thinks you are crazy. Wanda: So much for prehistoric instinct. Emma: I have to lie down now. I just ate a whole pie. Bolland: And Arc Research continues to plummet since insider trading was confirmed earlier today. Oscar: You got inside information, ya use it. All of a sudden that's cheating? Hank: Some might call it legal loop-holing, huh? Hey, look. My EAN stock's up to 13 bucks. 13 bucks! I believe that doubles my original investment. Oscar: This game sucks. Hank: Oh, it's not a game. Do you see any dice, huh? Wanda: Hey. Did you give me the week off because you think I'm crazy? Brent: No, I, I just, I thought you could use some rest, is all. Plus you were scaring me a little. That makeup was unnerving. Wanda: Well, you're just not used to seeing me all dolled up. Brent: I've seen dolls that weren't that dolled up. Wanda: Huh? Well, I'm not crazy. And I'm not takin' the week off. What do you think about that? I'm workin' here on my week off. Brent: Yeah, that proves you're not nuts. Lacey: Oh, I'm sorry about everything that happened. Emma: Me too. Let's just forget it. Here's your pie plate back. Lacey: Thanks. Emma: What? Lacey: You didn't wash it. Emma: Oh, well, I didn't want you to think I was going for some sorta cash grab. Hank: Come on, tell him. Oscar: I'm gonna tell him. Listen, ah, I can't pay you back. I lost all the imaginary money. Brent: You're fakerupt? Oscar: My stock tip was a dud. Hank: Yeah, so I win, because he's got no more money, he can't pay you back. Brent: But it was fictional, nonexistent, imaginary money that wasn't even real. I don't know how else to put it. Hank: Yeah, but it's not fair to you, Brent. I mean that 10 G's was probably your imaginary rainy-day fund, right? Brent: Well, I don't know, Hank. I think Dad and I are probably even. He raised me, taught me everything I know. That's gotta be worth 10,000 imaginary dollars. Oscar: It's worth more than that. Brent: How about 20? Oscar: Deal. Brent: All right. Here's another 10. Oscar: Heh, heh! Sucker. Hank: This reeks. I mean come on, what about our friendship? That's, that's gotta be worth somethin'? Brent: You can owe me. Karen: Ouaah! We've gotta fix that squeak. It drives me nuts. Davis: Oh, yeah, I'll get some oil and... Karen: Oh! Davis: That bugs you, does it? Karen: Ah! Don't even start! Davis: Oops, sorry. I did it again. Karen: Aa-aa-ah! Davis: And again. Karen: Raw bacon, raw bacon, raw bacon, raw bacon! Category:Transcripts